Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Song & Dance of Letting Go

When my miscarriage happened 10 days ago, I changed the name of the blog from "The Caudill 3" to "One Day at a Time." The new title has definitely been my motto lately: I just need to get through this one day at a time. And then there are some moments when my feelings of guilt, failure, anger, and sadness get the best of me and my motto instantly changes: I just need to get through this next hour. One hour at a time. ...And when that hour passes, I thank God for bringing me through it and I keep drudging forward... almost afraid to see what's lurking around the next corner.

Sometimes, I get around the next corner and I'm pleasantly surprised. I find a sweet card in the mail from a friend or family member letting me know that even as time continues on, they still remember me (and Jason) in their prayers. I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of who I am in Christ and how His love for me never runs dry. I see a child gleefully playing with her mother and I think, "One day, that will be me and my little one..." instead of "WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME!?" You see, around some corners I'm beginning to find comfort and peace, and I know that when I can fully let go of what has happened and turn the whole thing over to God, I'll fully receive the peace that He has for me.

I keep trying to let go of my miscarriage and completely hand it over to God. But in a way, I'm having a really difficult time with this. I feel like I'm holding so tightly, so closely, to my pain because it's all that I have left of my sweet little baby... and when I start to extend my arms toward Heaven to release it all to God, I feel myself pulling back once again, afraid to let go. I feel like "letting go" has become a song and dance for me, where some moments I will feel like I'm ready to let go, but right before I release it completely, I find myself grasping for it one more time, afraid to totally let it go. I know that when I am ready to completely let it go, I'll find comfort and peace... but for now, I almost feel comfortable dealing with the pain. {Sorry if this doesn't make any sense - these are my feelings and I guess I'm the only one who really needs to understand them.} There was a baby dedication today at church and I thought that I would be able to silently close my eyes during the dedication prayer and pray those same words over my baby as a way of dedicating him/her to God... but instead I found myself in tears, unable to hear a word that was being spoken with a desire to run out of that sanctuary like you wouldn't believe. So, it didn't happen today. I haven't been able to let go quite yet. But I know that with your continued prayers and encouragement, I'll someday get to a place where I can joyfully release my miscarriage, my baby, over to God and relish in the peace that will fill the hole in my heart.

The following song has been my "anthem" over the last few days whenever I start thinking negatively about myself. I bought the CD and blast it in my car whenever those thoughts creep in.
You may need to click on the title at the top of the video to view it in full-screen.

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