The evenings have been the roughest time for me. I usually find myself home alone, with a box full of pregnancy and baby-related items (books, calendars, blankets, the crib set I bought just 4 days before finding out that my baby was gone, etc.) lurking under a quilt in the back bedroom of the house. I thought that by moving those items "out of sight" that I'd be able to focus on everything else around me that is positive and try to feel a little bit better. But I feel like that box just taunts me from the back room... Even from behind the closed door, it's still a reminder of my failure. I'm thinking about maybe writing a letter to the baby and putting it inside the box and then moving it to the basement. Maybe then I'll feel a little bit of closure?
When the evening time becomes difficult, I try to pray and meditate on God's word. In my previous post, I talked about my confusion over how I was supposed to seek comfort from the same God who supposedly took my baby away. Well... during my time of meditation last night, I had two thoughts come to my mind.
- The baby was never "mine" to begin with. From the very moment that I found out that I was pregnant, I prayed to God because I knew that He and no one else would be in control of my baby's life (and consequently, there was nothing that I could've done to make in a difference in the length of my baby's life). God had a plan and purpose for that baby's life, however short it was, and one day I'll fully understand that purpose... even if it doesn't become clear until the day I finally hold my baby in my arms.
- God's will was not for my baby to die. In fact, His will from the very beginning of time was for His people to live in a world where there was no suffering, pain, death, or dying. However, because we live in a fallen world, we are subjected to pain, tears, grief, darkness... and death. And right now, I'm praising God that my baby is already enjoying an eternal life of LIGHT and happiness... my baby never cried a single tear in it's entire life and never felt any pain. Now that is something to be grateful for. ...And I'm also asking for God's forgiveness for doubting that He'd bring me the comfort and peace that I need to go on.
Tomorrow I go back to work. Physically, I feel like I'm up for the challenge. Emotionally.... eh, we'll see. I know that I will probably have my moments, but thank God I have an office where I can pull the door closed for a few moments and have some quiet time to pull myself back together. It will be okay. It will get easier. It just has to.
For today, there are a few Bible verses that I've found and am clinging to in my heart and mind.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Even though it's hard to see now, I trust that God will work something good out of this situation.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38, 39 No matter what "hell" I have to walk through, God will be there with me. He never separates Himself from me.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 God will get me through this.
Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God. Psalm 22: 9,10 My God is also my baby's God. My baby just had the privilege of seeing Him first.
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord. Psalm 113: 7-9 One way or another, God will make children a part of our family and our home.
Please keep praying for me. I can feel the power of the prayers being uttered on the behalf of Jason and I, and a sense of peace is coming beyond these clouds... I can feel it.