Raw Emotion

Well, I honestly didn't know if I would ever post again. I've debated between deleting the whole blog or continuing to document my experiences in life. To say the least, the last two days have been the worst days of my life, and while I'm still searching for strength to go on, I feel like this blog can be an outlet for me to express my emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

Yesterday, I had a miscarriage. Miscarriage. The word tastes bitter and putrid on my lips. Quite makes me want to vomit, to be completely honest with you. Before now, when I would hear that word associated with someone, I would think, "Oh my, that's so sad." But now that I am that person who has been labeled with the scarlet "M" it's completely different than what I previously thought. I have lost a baby. My first child, our first child, has already gone home to be with Jesus. And my heart is broken. I am grieving in a way that I have never grieved before. When I received the news yesterday, of course I was upset... but I think a numbness settled in and I went through the motions of talking with the doctors, having surgery, and coming home to a house where I was making preparations for my baby.

Today, as the reality of what has happened has hit me full tilt and the numbness subsided, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I've cried to the point where I'm not sure there are anymore tears left... but to my surprise, they just keep coming. I am sad that I will never know whether I had a son or daughter. I am sad that I will never get to hold my first child in my arms. I am sad that I will never know whether my baby had my eyes or Jason's heart of gold. I am sad for our families who were so excited for the first grandbaby. I just weep and weep and cry out to God to help me. My whole body shakes with sadness.

They say there's nothing you can do to cause miscarriage. That, from the very moment of conception, the baby's genetic make-up determines if the pregnancy will either be viable or if it will dissolve. According to my sonogram, at about 6 and a 1/2 weeks of my pregnancy (I had just celebrated the monumental completion of my 12th week on Monday), my baby stopped growing. Unfortunately, my body did not receive the memo and continued to release the pregnancy hormone that made my breasts ache, my uterus stretch and grow, and that made me extremely tired and nauseous at times. Even as I sit here in grief and sadness, my body continues to experience pregnancy symptoms because it will take a few weeks before my hormone levels return to normal. My uterus is sore and a bit swollen today... a constant ache and reminder of its newly vacant status.Thoughts of guilt creep into my mind constantly, even though I know it's the devil and I've told him several times to go back to Hell. I keep thinking, "If only I had passed this test of faith that God had given me..." and "If only I had been more healthy and less overweight..." and the worst of all: "If only I had been a better mother."

While my heart breaks, I can tell you that I am searching for hope and trying to praise God for the positives through this storm. And believe me, it isn't easy AT ALL to find the silver lining in these clouds, but I'm trying. I'm thankful that we were able to conceive in the first place. I'm thankful that God blessed me with the 6 and a half weeks that I was able to carry my baby, because some women try for years to get pregnant with no avail. I am thankful that my mom was with me when I received the news... that I wasn't alone and in excrutiating pain in a bathroom somewhere. I am thankful that I had a compassionate doctor and surgeon to help me cope with the immediate aftershock of the news I was given. I am thankful that 90% of women who suffer miscarriages in their first pregnancy go on to have healthy pregnancies in the future. I am thankful for a husband who is supportive of me in this situation and not holding me responsible for the loss of our first child.  I am thankful for such a loving and caring group of family and friends who have reached out to Jason and I.

My mother in law made a suggestion to me that I feel is extremely appropriate for our situation. She mentioned that her pastor had done a service some time ago about coping with the loss of babies. One important part of the grieving process is to give the baby a name. Jason and I will be discussing and deciding on a name to give our baby so that we can acknowledge its presence in our lives. Even though I only physically carried this baby for 12 weeks, it will always be a part of me and our family, and it deserves to have a name. I won't know until I get to Heaven whether my baby was a boy or a girl... but I have a strong feelng that it was a boy. We will chose a gender neutral name, though, and this baby will always be known as my first child. When someone asks me if I have any children, I will say "yes" and if they follow their question with "how old are they?" I will say, "___________ would have been X years old" (fill in the blank with the baby's name and fill in X with the number of years).

So there you have it. I have had a miscarriage. I lost my first baby and a piece of my heart died right along with my child. I'm grieving as any mother would grieve for her child... but I know that if I were to ask, "WHY, GOD?! Why MY baby?!," He would answer me with the following:

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.

Romans 8:38-29 NLT

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

...And a special note to my friends and family members who recently had babies or are expecting: I am beyond happy for you and your experiences in pregnancy and raising your babies. Please don't try to hide your experiences from me for the sake of sparing me from sadness... Watching you go through the beautiful stages of pregnancy and motherhood are already giving me hope that I will one day be able to have children of my own.