Saturday, September 10, 2011

A Moment of Silence

It's been over a month since I last blogged. While it is true that my life has dramatically changed as I put my teacher face on, and "free time" has become nonexistent since the beginning of school, I have tried several times to start a new entry... and every time, the blinking cursor just seems to mock me and steal my words.

I think the best way to define that gap in time and space is this: A Moment of Silence. Yes, I've been busy. But underneath that busyness lie the feelings of grief and devastation that have been coming to surface more so here lately than I've experienced in a long time... because the dreaded month is here. September. The month that was supposed to be a happy month. The month where I was going to hold my baby for the first time. And as my friends and family begin welcoming their newborn babies into the world, I struggle to find a balance between being happy for them and grieving for Jason and I. It's hard to feel happy without acknowledging my loss at the same time.

Thank God I have my class of 20 seven-year-olds to keep me occupied. This job has truly been a God-sent distraction in my life that I greatly need right now. I've quickly found that the life of a teacher is not that glamorous... it's about working 10 hour days through the week and then spending half of my weekend in my classroom. It's about not watching TV anymore without a red pen in one hand, stickers in the other, and a pile of papers to grade on my lap. It's about going to bed at 8:30pm because I'm THAT exhausted, and because I want to give my students everything that I have to offer... including my energy. It's about spending more than half of my first two paychecks on materials and supplies that I need for my classroom (and a few goodies for my students). It's about perfecting that "five minute face" in the morning and capitalizing on easy up-dos to get me out the door at a decent time in the mornings. ...And all of the time, money, and energy spent on my classroom and my kiddos is 100% completely worth it. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed... and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope to post some pictures of my classroom soon. Please keep my family and I in your prayers as we go through each day this month with reminders of  the loss of our angel baby.