Let me start by saying thank-you to all of the many family and friends who have sent cards, flowers, kind spoken words, prayers, offers for meals, and many other blessings our way during this extremely difficult time. There have been numerous people who have been in my situation (unbeknownst to me) who have reached out to me saying really the only thing that I want to hear right now: There's nothing that I can say that will take away your pain... but I promise you it will get easier.
Believe it or not, hearing from someone who has been in my shoes say "there's nothing I can say that will take away your pain" is a hundred times more comforting than the other "condolences" people offer. And I know, because I used to be one of those people who had no idea the depth of the anguish and misery that someone who has experienced a miscarriage feels, that most people just don't understand... and they think that they are saying things to you that will comfort you, but sometimes their words end up adding salt to the wound.
"Oh Sweetie, there was probably something terribly wrong with the baby..." "It's a blessing that the baby didn't go full term because imagine the heartache you would have if the baby would've died then..." "It was probably for the best because something was obviously very wrong."
REALLY?! DO YOU THINK THAT BY TELLING ME THAT THERE WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BABY, THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER? BE RELIEVED?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!
I'm angry. I admit it. I'm not exactly sure who I'm angry with, or what, but I can tell you that my feelings of extreme sadness are coupled with anger. I'm angry because there are over 115,000 abortions performed daily on women who CHOOSE to kill their babies because they don't want them or because they'd be an inconvenience. ...And then here I am. Ever since I was a little girl, when someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "A Mom." I prayed for this baby, I had dreams and hopes for this baby, and I loved this baby with every fiber of my being. And now it's gone. While it is comforting to know that I'll get to hold my baby in heaven one day, do you realize how incredibly shocking it is to find myself looking forward to dying just so I can hold my baby?!? -Now, let me just say right now that I am not suicidal. I'm simply stating that I used to be somewhat afraid of death, and now I don't fear it because I know that my baby will be waiting for me as soon as I enter the pearly gates.- ...It just breaks my heart that that moment feels so far away and out of reach. Some mommies who have experienced miscarriage went through this grief in their second or third pregnancies after having a baby already... and while I don't know for sure, it has to be somewhat, to a very tiny degree, easier because you can hold onto the baby that you have and be thankful for it while you grieve the loss of your little one. And then there's me who is falling to sleep each night clutching tightly to a pillow, just so that my arms don't feel so empty.
I know that God loves me, and I know that He loves my baby. I know that God will provide the comfort and grace that I need to get through this. ...But knowing isn't the same as feeling. While I know these things, I don't necessarily feel them right now. The same God who is supposed to (and will, eventually) provide me with a peace that passes all understanding is the same God who willed my baby's life to be so short. How is that even possible?! Like I said earlier, I'm angry... but I'm trying to be real with God. I'm praying to Him in a language that is real and personal... not all religious-ese. I'm telling God exactly how I feel but also asking Him constantly for comfort, grace, mercy, and peace.
Then there's the guilt. It just won't go away. I know in my heart of hearts that there is nothing that I did that hindered my baby from growing and being healthy. But I still can't shake this feeling of guilt. I feel like a failure. I'm embarrassed by the fact that I've had a miscarriage and it hurts. I'm so anxious about going back to work where I told a few of my teacher friends of my pregnancy and having to tell them the bad news, because I honestly feel like such a failure. It's a miserable feeling... and again, this is one of those moments when I'm asking God to cover me with His grace and give me peace. Because I know that prayer is powerful, and I feel like prayer is the only thing in addition to time that might take away the guilt.
While I am angry, sad, and experiencing these feelings of guilt and failure, I have had some moments where I begin to experience a feeling of calmness and comfort. The place where I feel "the best" right now considering the circumstances, is in the sun. When I sit in the sun and just bask in the warmth and talk to Jesus, I start to feel a tiny bit better. I tell him how I'm feeling and what I need... and I give him specific messages to whisper in my little one's ear. I spent close to two hours on my deck yesterday... and I was outside again this afternoon. The sunlight kissing my face is just so peaceful and I feel like it's God's way of saying, "It'll be okay." Just run to the Son, and everything will be alright.