Our Baby is Okay

I read a book in the week following my miscarriage called, Heaven is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back by Todd Burpo. The little boy in the book, Colton Burpo (Todd Burpo's son) had an emergency appendectomy when he was not even four years old. In the months following his surgery, Colton began to share with his parents about his trip to heaven and back during the surgery. He told his parents that he left his body during the surgery - and authenticated that statement by describing exactly what his parents were doing on the opposite side of the hospital while he was being operated on (something the nurses wouldn't have even known). He talked about visiting heaven and shared with his parents the stories that had been told to him in heaven by people he had never met before in his life (like his great grandfather). His parents were shocked when Colton began describing heaven with such accurate details that matched the Bible thoroughly, even though Colton had yet to learn how to read.

Below is an except from the book where Colton shares about a special little girl that he met while he was in heaven. This passage really touched my heart following my miscarriage, and it still warms a hope in me that one day I'll get to meet my baby that I lost.

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"Mommy, I have two sisters," Colton said.

I put down my pen. Sonja didn't. She kept on working.

Colton repeated himself. "Mommy, I have two sisters."

Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. "No, you have your sister Cassie, and ... do you mean your cousin, Traci?"

"No." Colton clipped off the word adamantly. "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn't you?"

At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household and Sonja's eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.

"Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?" Sonja said, her tone serious.

"She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy."

Then Colton turned and started to walk away. He had said what he had to say and was ready to move on. But after the bomb he'd just dropped, Sonja was just getting started. Before our son could get around the couch, Sonja's voice rang out in an all-hands-on-deck red alert. "COLTON TODD BURPO, you get back here right now!"

Colton spun around and caught my eye. His face said, "What did I do?"

I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life. We had explained it to Cassie; she was older. But we hadn't told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a four-year-old's capacity to understand. From the table, I watched quietly as emotions rioted across Sonja's face.

A bit nervously, Colton slunk back around the couch and faced his mom again, this time much more warily. "It's okay, Mommy," he said. "She's okay. God adopted her."

Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. "Don't you mean Jesus adopted her?" she said.

"No, Mommy. His Dad did!"

Sonja turned and looked at me. In that moment, she later told me she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed. Our baby... was - is! - a girl, she thought.

Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice. "So what did she look like?"

"She looked a lot like Cassie," Colton said. "She is just a little bit smaller, and she has dark hair."

Sonja's dark hair.

As I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife's face. Cassie and Colton have my blond hair. She had even jokingly complained to me before, "I carry these kids for nine months and they both come out looking like you!" Now there was a child who looked like her. A daughter. I saw the first hint of moisture glint in my wife's eyes.

Now Colton went on without prompting. "In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn't stop hugging me," he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't enjoy all of this hugging from a girl.

"Maybe she was just happy that soemone from her family was there," Sonja offered. "Girls hug. When we're happy, we hug."

Colton didn't seem convinced.

Sonja's eyes lit up and she asked, "What was her name? What was the little girl's name?"

Colton seemed to forget about all the yucky girl hugs for a moment. "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."

How did he know that?

"You're right, Colton," Sonja said. "We didn't even know she was a she."

Then Colton said something that still rings in my ears: "Yeah, she said she can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."

From the kitchen table, I could see that Sonja was barely holding it together. She gave Colton a kiss and told him he could go play. And when he left the room, tears spilled over her cheeks.

"Our baby is okay," she whispered. "Our baby is okay."

---From Heaven is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven & Back