Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Feeling is Healing...

Three months and five days.

Sometimes it feels like it's only been days... sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. The weight of my loss has been extra heavy the last couple of days. I find myself getting choked up when I see a Mommy and her baby... the infamous lump-in-the-throat that you can't swallow away. I glance away, blink back the tears, and try to plaster a smile on my face... knowing that in feeling this pain, I'm healing. I have become an expert escape artist when it comes to my feelings surrounding the miscarriage, but I've let my emotional guard down the last couple of days and just allowed myself to feel. The tears have become therapeutic in a way.

We weren't trying to conceive when we got pregnant in January... but the minute I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted that baby. I couldn't think of anything else. I bought books... picked out a nursery theme... debated with my Hubby about what we would name the baby... we were genuinely excited to become parents. And when I lost the baby, that desire to have one did not go away. In fact, it was only intensified. I feel such a longing in my heart to be a mother... and while the mere idea of becoming pregnant again almost sends me into a panic attack, I can't wait until I can start planning fun ways (at the 12-week mark this time, after a heartbeat is heard) to tell our families that it's finally safe for them to get excited again because a little one is on the way.

A recent study came out that suggested that the best time to conceive after a miscarriage is within the 6 months following the miscarriage. You can read more about the study by clicking here. The study found that the majority of women who became pregnant within 6 months of losing a baby were more likely to have a healthy pregnancy without complications in comparison to women who waited longer than 6 months to conceive. While that statistic gives me hope, it is also a bit daunting. Kinda puts the pressure on to "plant the seed", if you will, before the 6 month mark ticks by. I know that I need to just "Let Go, and Let God"... but the control freak in me is screaming, "Get our your calendar! Mark your fertile days! Get ready... get set... OVULATE!" I guess it'll happen when the time is right... and until then, I'm praying and praying and praying.


Last week was extremely busy for me as I held the honor of being the Matron of Honor to one of my best friends, Melody. It was a stressful week because there was so much to do, but it was fun to take her creative ideas and bring them to life. Her day was absolutely beautiful. A bit of my sanity was lost somewhere between the 4am program making marathon and the hundreds of bows that we tied... but every moment was worth it. Congratulations, Alex & Melody!

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