Thursday, April 21, 2011

Glimpses of Heaven

They're everywhere. Babies, pregnant bellies, prenancy announcements... everytime I turn around, someone is sharing some sort of baby-related news. Just in the past three days, one friend has announced pregnancy, two friends had sonograms that revealed that they are having baby boys, and two other friends gave birth to happy, healthy, bouncing baby boys. Being flooded with baby news, I'm actually feeling my pain beginning to subside a little bit. It's like with each new piece of news, it's getting easier and easier to handle and not stinging quite so much.

I am also feeling my body trying to warm back up to a normal cycle again. It's been 35 days since the procedure the caused the pregnancy hormone to begin to fall, and once the hormone is gone completely from your body, the pituitary gland can begin to release the hormones that cause you to ovulate and have a period again. I've been feeling crampy, craving chocolate, and spotting a little (sorry for TMI!), so I know that "Aunt Flow" is preparing to make a visit. I think that in a way, when I do see that my cycle is getting back to normal, I might begin to feel a little more "normal" myself.

Exercising has been a great mode of therapy for me. I think I may have began my career as a runner the other night as I was half a mile from the house on a brisk when I suddenly began to hear thunder rolling in the distance. I started running toward the house, and while my legs were shaking and my muscles were burning by the time I got home, I felt almost dizzy with adrenaline from running so hard... and I can see how that feeling might easily become addictive. Sometimes I walk with a friend and other times I walk by myself. Soemtimes I just feel like I need to be by myself... especially if I've had a rough day. That exercise time becomes therapy time for me to talk to God and take out my frustrations on the road. At the end of our development, there is a public road that extends towards a farm... and I love walking/running to the end of this road and back because it's so quiet (except for the occasional "moooo" from a cow) and beautiful. I've snapped a couple of pictures on my phone of especially tranquil moments that reminds me that God is real... Heaven is real... and my baby is in the arms of Jesus.

When I see glimpses of God's beauty in moments such as these,
I can't help but think and wonder,
"What does this look like from the other side of Heaven, Baby?"

Dear Baby,

This is your Mommy. You've been in Heaven for a couple of months now, little did we know. I have dreampt about you many times. I wonder if you wonder about your Daddy and me like we wonder about you... or are you too busy playing with your Angel Baby cousins or chasing heavenly rainbow butterflies or hearing stories and lullabies from Jesus and the angels... or maybe you're walking hand-in-hand with Nanny at her new place of Tranquility that I'm sure she's found in heaven. Regardless of what you're doing, I hope that Jesus has whispered my special messages for you in your ear like I asked Him to. I hope he told you how much I love you... how much I can't wait to hold you one day... how much you have been loved since the moment we found out you were in our lives. I love you with all my heart... to heaven and back...

Hugs & Kisses, Mommy

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