Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Biggest Lie

The biggest lie that I've ever told, and that I'm really getting quite good at telling, is my response to the classic question: How are you doing?

My answer: Fine. <---Biggest Lie

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. It's been one month since I had a miscarriage and my heart is still heavy. It doesn't exactly help that the one month angelversary of my baby is sandwiched between two huge milestones for two close friends who are pregnant (a baby shower on Saturday, a gender reveal sonogram tomorrow). I'm so conflicted, because I put on the happy face and do feel excited for them... but with every ounce of happiness that I feel for them, I feel an additional two ounces of sadness for my baby that I lost. I wish I knew how to separate these feelings... I wish I could feel happiness for my pregnant family members, friends, and the new mommies in my life without feeling intense sadness at the same time. I just haven't figured out how to do it, yet.

When people ask how I'm doing, I'm not always so sure that they're sincerely concerned with how I am. Sometimes, I think they're only asking so that they will have the comfort and peace of mind knowing that I'm "doing fine." It makes others less uncomfortable to be around me if they think I'm doing alright. So instead of really opening up and answering their "How are you doing?" question with an honest response, I just say "I'm fine" and they smile, pat me on the back, tell me that they knew I'd be okay, and then quickly change the topic of conversation to something more palatable. ...Little do they know.

How am I doing? Do you really want to know? I cried three different times today. I feel intense envy towards others who are experiencing perfectly normal pregnancies. I am incredibly irritable and moody. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I spend way too much time researching every ailment that I've experienced over the last four months to see how they impact fertility/pregnancy/miscarriage. I have cleaned and scrubbed and dusted my house more in the last 4 weeks than ever since we've been married... anything to stay busy. I dream of running away. I love walking/running in the rain (and we've had plenty of it lately) because I can cry all I want without knowing where the raindrops end and the tears begin. My heart still hurts. Badly.

I am functional though... I'm just going through the motions every day. I get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, exercise, go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. I'm getting pretty good at putting on a front to appear that I'm doing alright. I just want to really, genuinely feel happy again.

I do experience the comforting embrace of my God when I turn to Him... and everytime I start to feel resentful or jealous of others and their healthy pregnancies/babies, I start praying for these babies and their mothers in an effort to redirect my negative thoughts... because I know that these feelings are not from God. I honestly, seriously want to feel nothing but happiness for them... but it's so hard. Just feeling overwhelmed with sadness right now... and maybe I'm just being super emotional because today marks one month since the miscarriage, but I can guarantee that these feelings are real.

Please keep praying for me.

1 comment:

  1. i am blessed by your honesty and openness on this blog. and indeed, i am praying for you.
    do be patient with people. we want to be there for you, but really don't know what to say sometimes, in fear of saying the wrong thing (which will certainly happen at times). but our fumbling attempts are usually from the heart and from caring motives.
    we love you.