Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day Thoughts

I went into town this morning and couldn't help but feel the buzz of excitement in the little shops along main street as Daddies and kiddos wove in and out of the boutiques with their arms full of flowers and presents for "Mom." Subconsciously, I knew that this day was coming. I've deeply involved myself with making Mother's Day preparations for my own Momma and Mom-In-Law to the point that I had almost forgotten about the elephant in the room. This time two months ago, I was looking forward to this special time of year because this was going to be my first unofficial mother's day. I loved the fact that I would be bonding with my Momma in a new, deeper way as I would be preparing for my own days as a Mommy. ...But, evidently now is not the time for me to be a Mom.

I almost feel silly for even feeling sad for myself that I don't get to have my first Mother's Day tomorrow. There's a little voice that says, "Come on, Kristin. You only carried that baby for 12 weeks. You would only be 20 weeks pregnant right now anyways. Big deal. Suck it up, Buttercup. You have no right to feel sad right now." ...But then a friend on Facebook sent me a message letting me know that she's thinking of me and praying for me, especially tomorrow, knowing how difficult it's going to be. And it hit me that it's okay for me to feel the way I'm feeling. These feelings of being sad for not being able to feel my baby's kicks right now... and not able to experience all of those fun and exciting milestones in pregnancy and in my baby's life are totally and completely valid.

I'm going to try really hard not to focus on my sadness tomorrow. Instead, I want to focus on and celebrate my Momma. Since the beginning of the year, she and I have suffered through many losses together. She lost both of her parents in a matter of two months, and only a week later we were handed even more unbearable news about my baby. My mom was with me when I went to the doctors that morning on March 17th. She was holding my hand as I was staring at the ultrasound screen trying to make sense of what I was seeing. She held me and let me literally cry on her shoulder as I had done so many times as a little girl. I'm so thankful that she was with me when I received the news, because only a mother's embrace can instantly help to ease the pain of losing a baby. I know that if anyone else had been with me in that moment, I would've been wishing my Mom was there... because from Day #1, she has always been there to hug and kiss away my tears. When I found out that I was pregnant, I began worrying. I worried about my baby's health... worried about him/her going to school one day... worried about whether I was going to be a good Mom. And while I only carried my baby for 12 weeks, I had a tiny taste of the amount of worrying my Mom has had for my brother and I over the years. I thank God that my Momma is a strong Christian woman who has prayed for me every day of my life. She has become one of my closest friends and I love her more than she'll ever know.

Here is a slideshow that I made for my Mom last year on Mother's Day:

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