Autour De La Maison

Autour De La Maison, literally translated, means Around the House. I'm going to *try* to post weekly or biweekly with some photographs that provide you with a little window into the Caudill world. Here are several snapshots from around our home over the last week:

One flower box full of the petunias and lobelia plants that I planted last weekend!



The walkway and additional flower beds my Hubby has been working on for me!



Mmmm... Lots of beautiful "Medium-Well" memories are made from this grill.



A view through the palm plants of my bouquet from Melody's wedding (hanging out to dry).



From my perennial flower bed. Love those "fuzzy" heads!

Until next time... XOXOX

The Need to Nurture

Sorry, my friends, for the slightly depressing post last night. It was late... my Hubby fell asleep in the chair next to me... and out of boredom, I logged onto http://www.whattoexpect.com/. I had an account on there from when I was pregnant earlier this year, and I thought it would be interesting to see how the site has changed over the last few months. When I went through the miscarriage of my baby, I immediately packed away all things "pregnancy" and removed the favorited websites that I had grown accustomed to frequenting for information when I was pregnant. Aside from a weekly email from Similac that I have yet to figure out how to stop receiving, I don't have any glaring reminders of my loss. Over the weekend, I received an email from Similac saying "27 Week Update"... so if I were still pregnant, I'd be right around 27 weeks. I thought, "Hmmm... all I have to do is log onto WhatToExpect and they'll tell me what my baby and body would be experiencing during the 27th week of pregnancy." ...And against my better judgement and will, I logged on. BIG MISTAKE!

A wave of grief washed over me and left me filled to the brim with sorrow. I started thinking about how far along in my pregnancy I would be... what preparations I would be making in light of the upcoming arrival of my baby... how my body would be changing to accommodate the miracle growing inside of me... and I just felt so sad. Right about the time I finished posting last night, my Hubby woke up from his snooze in the chair, must've sensed something was wrong, and he pulled me into a hug. I instantly started to feel a little bit better.

I've been spending some time in my flower beds over the last few days. I have this uncanny urge to grow and nuture something... great place to start, FLOWERS!  My Hubby embarked on a rather ambitious landscaping project this summer for the front of our home... and he's done an AMAZING job putting in several new flowerbeds and a lovely stone walkway. I know it's a little late in the season, but I couldn't resist an awesome deal on some annuals at the local garden shop. While I was out sweating off several pounds of water-weight in the blistering heat on Saturday, I planted two of my flower beds with the petunias and lobelias.

As I was planting, I was channeling my inner "Nanny." Nan loved working in her flower beds. Her yard, with all of its neat colors and blooms, became a dreamy summertime haven that I loved to visit when I was little. She'd let me make a bouquet of some of her flowers when I would stay with her for a week each summer. So many sweet memories of my Nanny and her flower beds... I miss her so much! Mom told me yesterday that lobelia plants were one of Nanny's favorite plants. I wish I had a picture to post on here of my Nanny's flower beds, but sadly I don't have any. All I have to do, though, is close my eyes and let my mind take me right back to the sweet smell of honeysuckles and daphodils... to a place where flowers and birds were considered as friends... and I can see the rainbow of beautiful blooms around the perimeter of the yard, and my Nanny waving from the front porch. I miss you, Nanny.

If Only

I wish I could feel you moving in my belly right now.

I wish your little feet were kicking me in the ribs.

I wish I could stare in utter astonishment at your sonogram pictures for hours on end.

I wish I could hear the "woosh-woosh-woosh" of your heart beat at my bi-weekly doctor's appointments.

I wish your Daddy and I had to argue over what we were going to name you.

I wish I was lucky enough to be sicker than a dog, exhausted to no end, heartburn-ridden, with oh-so-sexy swollen ankles... if only it meant I'd get to hold you in my arms.

Our Baby is Okay

I read a book in the week following my miscarriage called, Heaven is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back by Todd Burpo. The little boy in the book, Colton Burpo (Todd Burpo's son) had an emergency appendectomy when he was not even four years old. In the months following his surgery, Colton began to share with his parents about his trip to heaven and back during the surgery. He told his parents that he left his body during the surgery - and authenticated that statement by describing exactly what his parents were doing on the opposite side of the hospital while he was being operated on (something the nurses wouldn't have even known). He talked about visiting heaven and shared with his parents the stories that had been told to him in heaven by people he had never met before in his life (like his great grandfather). His parents were shocked when Colton began describing heaven with such accurate details that matched the Bible thoroughly, even though Colton had yet to learn how to read.

Below is an except from the book where Colton shares about a special little girl that he met while he was in heaven. This passage really touched my heart following my miscarriage, and it still warms a hope in me that one day I'll get to meet my baby that I lost.

----------------------

"Mommy, I have two sisters," Colton said.

I put down my pen. Sonja didn't. She kept on working.

Colton repeated himself. "Mommy, I have two sisters."

Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. "No, you have your sister Cassie, and ... do you mean your cousin, Traci?"

"No." Colton clipped off the word adamantly. "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn't you?"

At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household and Sonja's eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.

"Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?" Sonja said, her tone serious.

"She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy."

Then Colton turned and started to walk away. He had said what he had to say and was ready to move on. But after the bomb he'd just dropped, Sonja was just getting started. Before our son could get around the couch, Sonja's voice rang out in an all-hands-on-deck red alert. "COLTON TODD BURPO, you get back here right now!"

Colton spun around and caught my eye. His face said, "What did I do?"

I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life. We had explained it to Cassie; she was older. But we hadn't told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a four-year-old's capacity to understand. From the table, I watched quietly as emotions rioted across Sonja's face.

A bit nervously, Colton slunk back around the couch and faced his mom again, this time much more warily. "It's okay, Mommy," he said. "She's okay. God adopted her."

Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. "Don't you mean Jesus adopted her?" she said.

"No, Mommy. His Dad did!"

Sonja turned and looked at me. In that moment, she later told me she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed. Our baby... was - is! - a girl, she thought.

Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice. "So what did she look like?"

"She looked a lot like Cassie," Colton said. "She is just a little bit smaller, and she has dark hair."

Sonja's dark hair.

As I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife's face. Cassie and Colton have my blond hair. She had even jokingly complained to me before, "I carry these kids for nine months and they both come out looking like you!" Now there was a child who looked like her. A daughter. I saw the first hint of moisture glint in my wife's eyes.

Now Colton went on without prompting. "In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn't stop hugging me," he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't enjoy all of this hugging from a girl.

"Maybe she was just happy that soemone from her family was there," Sonja offered. "Girls hug. When we're happy, we hug."

Colton didn't seem convinced.

Sonja's eyes lit up and she asked, "What was her name? What was the little girl's name?"

Colton seemed to forget about all the yucky girl hugs for a moment. "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."

How did he know that?

"You're right, Colton," Sonja said. "We didn't even know she was a she."

Then Colton said something that still rings in my ears: "Yeah, she said she can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."

From the kitchen table, I could see that Sonja was barely holding it together. She gave Colton a kiss and told him he could go play. And when he left the room, tears spilled over her cheeks.

"Our baby is okay," she whispered. "Our baby is okay."

---From Heaven is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven & Back

Feeling is Healing...

Three months and five days.

Sometimes it feels like it's only been days... sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. The weight of my loss has been extra heavy the last couple of days. I find myself getting choked up when I see a Mommy and her baby... the infamous lump-in-the-throat that you can't swallow away. I glance away, blink back the tears, and try to plaster a smile on my face... knowing that in feeling this pain, I'm healing. I have become an expert escape artist when it comes to my feelings surrounding the miscarriage, but I've let my emotional guard down the last couple of days and just allowed myself to feel. The tears have become therapeutic in a way.

We weren't trying to conceive when we got pregnant in January... but the minute I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted that baby. I couldn't think of anything else. I bought books... picked out a nursery theme... debated with my Hubby about what we would name the baby... we were genuinely excited to become parents. And when I lost the baby, that desire to have one did not go away. In fact, it was only intensified. I feel such a longing in my heart to be a mother... and while the mere idea of becoming pregnant again almost sends me into a panic attack, I can't wait until I can start planning fun ways (at the 12-week mark this time, after a heartbeat is heard) to tell our families that it's finally safe for them to get excited again because a little one is on the way.

A recent study came out that suggested that the best time to conceive after a miscarriage is within the 6 months following the miscarriage. You can read more about the study by clicking here. The study found that the majority of women who became pregnant within 6 months of losing a baby were more likely to have a healthy pregnancy without complications in comparison to women who waited longer than 6 months to conceive. While that statistic gives me hope, it is also a bit daunting. Kinda puts the pressure on to "plant the seed", if you will, before the 6 month mark ticks by. I know that I need to just "Let Go, and Let God"... but the control freak in me is screaming, "Get our your calendar! Mark your fertile days! Get ready... get set... OVULATE!" I guess it'll happen when the time is right... and until then, I'm praying and praying and praying.

_______________________________________

Last week was extremely busy for me as I held the honor of being the Matron of Honor to one of my best friends, Melody. It was a stressful week because there was so much to do, but it was fun to take her creative ideas and bring them to life. Her day was absolutely beautiful. A bit of my sanity was lost somewhere between the 4am program making marathon and the hundreds of bows that we tied... but every moment was worth it. Congratulations, Alex & Melody!



How to Give/Receive Help in Times of Loss

When I went through my miscarriage almost three months ago, I realized quickly that there are not a lot of resources out there to help someone deal with all of the thoughts and feelings of grief, guilt, anger, and sadness. The night after my surgery, I remember walking into Borders in a pair of ratty sweat pants and an old tee-shirt with red-rimmed eyes and dark circles underneath those eyes, on a mission to find a book on how to deal with the emotional pain I was experiencing. ...Because that is how I deal with "stuff." I read about it. I learn as much as I can about it. I figure "it" out and make sense of it. Unfortunately, though, miscarriage is one of those frustrating things in life that can't really, truly be figured out (for the most part). As I was crouched down on my knees in the middle of the bookstore looking through books on loss and not finding a single one about miscarriage, it ocurred to me that there probably aren't many books out there on the subject because A) there aren't definitive answers to "why" miscarriage happens - sure, there are risk factors, but the doc can't do a sonogram and determine exactly what caused your pregnancy to end... and B) a lot of the feelings that you do experience through a miscarriage are the same as those that you experience when someone dies - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I ended up finding that the best way for me to deal with my feelings was/is through journaling, or blogging. I don't doubt that people have questioned my decision to keep up with the blog, especially when I've shared my deepest thoughts that, quite honestly, make even me feel a little uncomfortable when I go back and re-read some of those dark entries from back in March/April. But it is my hope, as my Aunt Penny reminded me this week, that one day, my experience will help someone else with what they are going through. I hope that others find through sharing my experiences that Christ really is the only hope we have, and He is the only one who can give us the strength and comfort that we need to press on in such despairing times.

Flowers and cards that we received during our time of loss. Such a beautiful display symbolizing the support network of friends and family that God has blessed us with!

Now - since I'm at a place in my grieving that I can look back on my miscarriage and reflect on what happened, I realize that there are a lot of people around me who really just didn't have any idea how to help me or what to say. So, I thought I'd share a few ideas based on my experience of ways that you can help someone going through a miscarriage (or experiencing any other kind of intense grief/loss):

• Go and visit her at home. Be so kind as to give a little notice before you pull up the driveway, though, so that she can "pull herself together."
• Ask what her favorite meal is and fix it. Her energy level will not be the greatest after a miscarriage.
• Offer to help her with some housework. (Goes back to the low energy level).
• Tell her it's OK to be sad around you. This will help her to be honest with her feelings of grief and will keep her from surpressing those feelings of depression or denying them.
• When you talk about her loss, don't refer to the baby as "it." Just because the baby wasn't carried to full-term doesn't mean that he/she is devoid of value.
• Don't avoid her. She needs you to communicate with her. If she wants to talk about the baby, don't change the subject. It hurts more if you don't reach out to her.
• Pray for her, and tell her exactly, specifically how you are praying. This will help to build her up spiritually.
• Invite her to go out. Don't assume that she's too weak or too "down" to join you. Chances are, she'd love to join you.

...And to the woman experiencing the miscarriage:

Be honest and specific with people when they ask if they can help you. When your friends and family want to serve you, receive their expressions of love - don't reject them. ...And if people aren't offering help, don't be afraid to ask for it. You'll need it. It won't be easy, believe me. But as you honestly share your heart with others, your life will be enriched, others will be blessed, and you'll be able to process through your loss. And don't forget that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you more than you know, who has a plan and purpose for your life, who "works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Until next time... xoxox

Summer Dreamin'

School's out for the summer! ...And while I had dreams of swimming pools and cute little umbrella drinks dancing in my head, the reality of a jam-packed busy summer is hitting me full force. Between my summer job, the never-ending list of friends/family who want pictures taken, the gathering and preparing of materials for my classroom, working with the youth at church, and deep-cleaning the house, those happy pool-colored visions of summer that I had are fading away. I can't wait until next summer... It will be my first summer where I literally will not have to work, and I'll still get paid (because I opted to have my 10-month salary spread out over 12 months instead). But until next summer, I'll just have to suck-it-up and keep on truckin'.

Overall, I'm doing pretty well these days. It has taken a solid three months for me to get to this place, but I am feeling better. Sure, I still have my moments... but generally speaking, I'm in a much better place now than I was on March 17th. The recent news of my teaching job has done wonders for lifting my spirits. I'm hopeful that when the time and circumstances are right, God will bless us with another baby. Now that the job has been secured and health benefits will kick in on September 1st, believe me I've been thinking about the best time to begin trying to have a baby. Part of me wants to jump right on the baby-makin' train... but another bigger part of me is scared to death of becoming pregnant again. I am fearful of experiencing that tremendous loss again... and I'm not sure if my heart could endure that pain another time. So many girls get pregnant the first time around and enjoy every single minute of their pregnancy because they are naive to the potential darkness that can lurk around the corner. And I'm sad to say that I've been forever stripped of those happy pregnancy feelings because I know for certain that I'll be a nervous wreak the next time I get pregnant. I just pray that God provides me with peace in the next pregnancy... I'll need lots of prayers when the time comes. Until then, though, I'm still trying to take care of my body and be as prepared as I can be to have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

 

9 Years

The last 9 years of my life have built me, prepared me, and have shaped me for today: May 25, 2011.

Over the last 9 years, I have:

-read thousands of pages in textbooks

-taken out over $60,000 in student loans

-spent endless hours studying

-written paper after paper after paper

-learned a lot about myself as a teacher by working with students with emotional problems

-found a greater appreciation for diversity in a classroom by working with ELL students

-mastered the art of multi-tasking (writing a paper while eating dinner, doing laundry, and talking on the phone)

-quit my teaching job to do an unpaid student teaching experience (which ended up being one of the best decisions of my life)

-ate Cup O' Noodles for lunch for weeks during said student teaching because I was broke from quitting the aforementioned job

-went through a major job interview

-went through another major job interview

-went throught yet another major job interview

...and today, May 25, 2011, I accepted a job offer from Washington County Public Schools as a second grade teacher at Pangborn Elementary School.

I feel like all of my experiences, training, and recent life events have led me to this very moment, at this very school, with this very special group of students that I'm about to share my life with over the next school year.

God is really amazing, isn't He?

I had an interview yesterday at 4pm at Pangborn Elementary. I walked into the interview not even knowing what I was interviewing for... and when they asked what I wanted to teach, I told them:

"I want to teach children."

I do not care what grade level, or whether it's special education or English Language Learners (ELL). I just know that my passion and calling right now in my life is to teach, and I will do it with all of my heart no matter what grade level I'm placed in. Before I walked into the school for the interview, I prayed to God... "Lord, I pray that if this is where I am supposed to be used for Your glory, then let it be so. If there is something else that would be a better fit for me, please open that door of opportunity." I felt like the interview went really well... and in less than 24 hours later, I received a call from Human Resources offering me this teaching opportunity, and through the tears of sheer joy, I gladly accepted the offer.

Pangborn Elementary School in Hagerstown, MD



No Matter What

This is my favorite song right now.

No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You
Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what
When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope
And You will be my strength
Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You
No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I’ll trust You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what
No matter no matter what

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

"They were the best of times and the worst of times." ...Yep, that pretty much sums up life right now! Some really high highs and some really low lows. It's been a little over two months since my pregnancy ended. There are some days that I plow through the hours effortlessly with only brief moments of sadness... and then there are days that I randomly break down in crying spells every 15 minutes. These truly are the best and worst times of my life. Graduation came and went, job opportunities are beginning to present themselves, one of my best friends is getting married, friends are having babies... And peppered within these beautiful and celebratory events in life, I battle with random bouts of depression. I had a really hard time getting excited about graduation... even to the point where I debated on whether or not to even go up until a few days before. I cried almost the whole way to the rehearsal the day before the ceremony. In the end, I was glad that I went and allowed myself to feel proud of my accomplishments. A special thanks to my Hubby, Mom, and Dad for supporting me that day.